(More) Attempts at Humour

Sometimes art is so abstract, it's concrete
(Photo credit: Hendrik van der Breggen)

APOLOGIA

By Hendrik van der Breggen

The Carillon, July 12, 2018

(More) Attempts at Humour

“A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Proverbs 17:2.

Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul will be blessed with the following attempts at humour.

Note/ confession: much of what follows is my own creation, but much is also plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed from others, including my Facebook (FB) friends.

1. Question: What do you call someone from Utah who owns more than one rifle? Answer: Polygunist.

2. What do you call someone who on multiple occasions avoids his work? Polycrastinor.

3. What do you call someone who is married (concurrently) to more than one doctor who specializes in women's health? PolyOB/GYNist.

Comment from FB friend: Ouch. I OBject to that one—OBSTreperously.

Comment from FB friend: Oh wow—the worst of the three by far!

Comment from FB friend: You have too much free time on your hands Hendrik!

4. What do you call a person who tells more than one “poly” joke? Polyhumorist.

Comment from FB friend (who is also my son Tom): Me: Currently Googling “how to delete someone else’s Facebook posts.”

Comment from FB friend (who is also my daughter-in-law Brittney): GIF of Michael Scott saying, “Why are you the way that you are?”

Comment from (another) FB friend: Polly want no more cracks (like that one).

Comment from FB friend: STAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!!!

Comment from FB friend: BLOCKED.

5. What do you call the activity of a bunch of elected officials arguing about how big a bite to take out of your wallet? Answer: Polyticks.

6. What do you call a soldier or police officer who wears more than one bullet proof vest? Polyarmorist.

Comment from FB friend: No Más!!

Comment from FB friend: I see you've made it to the P section of the dictionary!

7. What shape is your parrot if he's lost? Polygon.

8. What word describes the state of affairs in which one person has exclusive control of the supply of “poly” jokes? Monopoly.

9. What do you call an abnormal growth of tissue projecting from a mucous membrane?

A polyp. (Sometimes a joke is funnier before I write it down.)

10. What do you call someone who's fed up with “poly” jokes? Polysaturated.

Okay, okay. Enough “poly” jokes. Here are some “oxy” jokes.

11. Question: What do you call someone who is strong like a bull but really, really stupid? Answer: Oxymoron.

12. What do you call a drug-addicted rabbit? Oxycottontail.

13. What do you call someone who is a purveyor of (as well as addicted to) fake news, a.k.a. Bull S#*t? Oxyincontinent.

Okay, okay, enough “oxy” jokes. Here are some miscellaneous jokes.

14. I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.

15. Some people tell me I'm getting cranky as I get older. Bunch of idiots.

16. As I get older, when I write I tend leave out little words.

17. FB meme (appropriate here if you struggle with #16): I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.

18. My mother-in-law Helga is visiting with us. She doesn't know this, but sometimes when I say her name I double the "L".

Response to above joke from my daughter-in-law Brittney: Well Poppa, sometimes when I say your name I drop the “r”.

19. News: Scientists have converted fat cells into stem cells that can repair any damaged tissues. My revised retirement plan: Hendrik's One-stop Greasy Burgers and Liposuction Services.

20. I enjoy smoking pipes, but I also enjoy watching them being built. Lately I've been interested in corncob pipes. I may have a problem with cornography.

21. There's a danger associated with smoking restored pipes while listening to the soundtrack of Interstellar. Sometimes when I'm looking for a book, I look way too long at my bookshelves.

22. If smoking is so unhealthy, why does it cure salmon?

23. “Live like there's no tomorrow.” Yeah, tried that. Visa bill was huge.

24. Comment from my son Brahm (after I read this column out loud to my family): You're not publishing this, are you?

Previous attempts at humour:

• Attempts at humour, January 4, 2018
• Attempts at humour, May 28, 2015
• Thinking about names, December 31, 2009

Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is Associate Professor of Philosophy at Providence University College. When Hendrik was in his mother's womb, he thought he heard an angel say, “You will be a comedian.” Turns out Hendrik misheard. The angel actually said, “You will be a Canadian.” (#BadumTish)

Attempts at humour

Glockamole

APOLOGIA
By Hendrik van der Breggen
The Carillon, January 4, 2018

Attempts at humour

“A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Proverbs 17:2.

Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul will be blessed with the following attempts at humour. (Note/ confession: much of what follows is my own creation, but much is also plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed.)

I started going back to the gym to get into shape for the summer. Looks like it'll be summer of 2025.

The Apostle Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh. I have a couple, but when I laugh mine jiggle. (#Gym Humour)

Medical-philosophical news: Breakthrough medical procedure detects philosophical polyps in patients inclined to seek ideological control over other nations; tentatively called Colonialoscopy.

Related news: Harvard University, through a joint effort of its school of medicine and social science department, is offering a new major. But they can't decide what to call it: polypsical science or polypsychology.

What do you call a failed U.S. presidential nominee who pushes democratic socialism and likes chicken? Colonial Sanders.

Some people say I have a short attention span, but they

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Solipstick: metaphysics by Mabelline; cosmetological underpinning of puckered-lip selfies.

Sadly, sometimes I contradict myself. Happily, when I do, I don't.

Othering others others others, including those accused of othering.

They're quite puzzling (sometimes even frustrating) without context.

Wife said she thinks I'm sometimes too combative. I fought tooth and nail to correct her.

Son: I'm going to roast Brazilian coffee beans. Wife: That'll take a long time.

Sidewalk sign (at local beauty salon/ barber shop): “Men's cut and beer $26.” Me (thinking): Only if you like a head full of hair.

Experience at new bathroom in mall: Dried my hands, but lost my hearing. (#Hand Dryers By Boeing)

Entry in my diary (during our recent cold snap): wWwennnnnnnnnnttt fffffffffffffforr a walkkk ](-+ outsssside.. mY fffingggerss R fffrozzn.

For chemists alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution (or solvent/ functional group: i.e., it works for them).

“A few days ago a very gorgeous but not so intelligent woman said that we should 'affirm people regardless of what they think their identity is.' So I told her I was her husband.”

A dentist tells a blonde that she needs braces. The blonde says, “Why? I can walk just fine.” When the dentist explains that braces are for her teeth, she replies, “But my teeth don't walk.”

Donald Trump walks into a Parisian cafe and says, “I'll have a covfefe, no cream.” The waitress says, “Sorry, we've only got milk. How about a covfefe with no milk?” (#Sometimes Jokes Are Funnier Before You Write Them Down)

Mexican spokesperson referring to Trump's wall: “At first we were sad, but we'll get over it.”

Communism: Always an execution away from utopia.

Pravda announced that it welcomes letters to the editor. All correspondents are required to include their full name, address, and next of kin.

Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Of course communism doesn't work. There are red flags everywhere.

Some communist jokes lack class. (But they're funny when I'm marxing papers.)

Dear readers: I will be watching you. Sincerely, heNdriKVanDerbreggen.

New Testament scholars discover Mary's personal journal (in which she describes her Son's help with daily chores). Shortest entry: “Jesus swept.” (#Sometimes I Make Fake News)

I am a philosopher. One of my heroes is Socrates. Another hero is Jesus. I think my earthly future doesn't look bright.

When my friends learn I am a student of comedy, they tell me never to quit school. (#No Respect)

Happy 2018!


Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is associate professor of philosophy at Providence University College. (When Hendrik was in his mother's womb, he thought he heard an angel say, “You will be a comedian.” Turns out Hendrik misheard. The angel actually said, “You will be a Canadian.” #Badum Tish)


Past attempts at humour:

• Attempts at humour (May 28, 2015)
• Thinking about names (December 31, 2009)

Attempts at humour

APOLOGIA

By Hendrik van der Breggen

The Carillon, May 28, 2015

Attempts at humour

"A cheerful heart is good medicine." Proverbs 17:2.

Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul be blessed with the following attempts at humour. Note/ confession: some of what follows are my own creations, but many are plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed.

René Descartes (the philosopher famous for "I think therefore I am"; Latin cogito ergo sum) walks into a bar and drinks a beer. The bartender asks, "Are you going to have another beer?" Descartes answers "I don't think I am" and—poof!—Descartes disappears.

A young philosopher sold his treasured pony to continue his studies, thus showing that he did indeed put Descartes before the horse.

What did the potato say? I think therefore I yam (cogito ergo spud).

What would Captain Highliner study if he were a philosopher? Metaphyshsticks.

What would Captain Highliner's great insight be if he were a philosopher? Codgito ergo filet-o-fish.

(The following joke is intended to humble those arrogant know-it-alls who presume to have god-like knowledge; no offense is intended to those suffering from mental illness.) A man is in an insane asylum, standing at attention, with his hand slipped into his shirt at his chest. A doctor takes notice and asks, "Who do you think you are?" The man with the hand in his shirt looks annoyed and replies, "Napoleon, that's who I am!" At this the doctor asks, "Why do you think this?" The man with the hand in his shirt replies, "God told me!" At this point another man from across the room shouts, "I did not!"

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? He stays awake all night wondering about the existence of dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

A dyslexic walks into a bra…. (Badum-tish!)

What is Sacramento? It's the stuffing in a Catholic olive.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A sternly worded letter from the Research Ethics Committee.

The problem with German food is that a half hour after you eat, you're hungry for power. The problem with Canadian food is that a half hour after you eat, you want to apologize for telling the joke about the German food.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a Café. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a coffee, no cream please." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry we are out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?"

Customer in a restaurant: "How do you prepare your chickens?" Cook: "Nothing out of the ordinary, we just tell them they're going to die."

What do you call a carpenter who only works with one kind of wood? Mahoganous 

What do you call a soldier who wears multiple bullet-proof vests? A polyarmourist.

What do you call a man from Utah who has multiple firearms? A polygunist.

Shelfish (adjective): persistent longing for more bookshelves; shelf-centered; hazard for readers in general and for academics in particular.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

What do philosophers add to bath water? Epsomology salt.

Question for a toddler: peepee or poopoo? Answer: when the exclusive "or" is used (i.e., "or" means one or the other but not both), this is a false diaperchotomy.

Last night I wondered if I am Jason Bourne and have forgotten that I'm Jason Bourne. And why is this movie about me?

When I was a baby I thought I heard God say, "You will become a comedian." Turns out I misheard. He actually said "Canadian."

Have a happy day, eh!

(Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is associate professor of philosophy at Providence University College. The views in this column do not always reflect the views of Providence.)

For further reading: 

• Ted Cohen, Jokes: Philosophical Thoughts on Joking Matters (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1999).
• Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein, Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes (New York: Abrams Image, 2007).

Thinking about names

APOLOGIABy Hendrik van der Breggen

(The Carillon, December 31, 2009)

Thinking about names

WARNING: The following topic is not on the list of usual matters taken up by Apologia; rather, for better or for worse, it is an attempt to end 2009 with a wee bit of humour.

I enjoy names. Not being called names, but the meaning of names.

Interestingly, some names fit their bearers like a glove.

I teach philosophy. The etymology of the word "philosophy" tells us that philosophy is, or is supposed to be, the love of wisdom. (The word philos is Greek for loving; the word sophia is Greek for wisdom.) It turns out that a very bright and wise colleague of mine from philosophy graduate school has the last name Wiseman. Professor Wiseman. Sigh. It is just sooo right.

It turns out too that there is a well-known philosopher whose name is John Wisdom. Professor Wisdom. Sigh. How wonderfully appropriate. I confess: When I think of philosophers Wiseman and Wisdom, there wells up in the depths of my heart a dark green gooey substance called envy.

But some names don't fit, or maybe they fit too well. And I don't envy the folks who bear these names.

Think of some of the financial scandals perpetrated in the not-so-distant past by some Christian televangelists. It turns out that I have a book on my shelf titled Introduction to Christian Ethics authored by a fellow whose name is Roger H. Crook. Go figure.

Speaking of books, a couple of years ago I received an advertisement from an academic publisher for a book titled Anxiety Disorders. One of the psychologists who authored this book has the name David Nutt. Dr. Nutt. I am not kidding.

Of course, the institution of marriage can do funny things to people’s names.

A philosopher acquaintance recently told me that he knows of a female ethicist named Sharp who married a man named Paine—and she combined her last name with his. Professor Sharp Paine. And some of my ethics students think ethics professors are a mere pain.

The nature of some names may actually be beneficial to others by encouraging the name-bearer to keep out of specific fields of employment. I knew a man whose last name was Coward. I shudder at the thought of him being an infantry officer. Major Coward. It just wouldn’t inspire confidence in the troops.

While on the topic of names and the military, please indulge me as I reminisce about a time at the dinner table when my wife’s and my two sons were quite young. During dinner I mentioned to our boys my penchant concerning the meaning of names. A bit later, just before desert, the boys were giggling, but with suspicious grins on their faces.

Carla and I asked what was going on. Our eldest responded politely with a question: "What if there was a soldier whose last name was Parts?" What if there were such a soldier, my wife and I asked. Both our sons quickly answered: "His name would be Private Parts!"

It’s been quite a few years, but I still laugh at our sons’ joke.

The year 2010 is just around the corner. I hereby wish my readers a Happy New Year—and I pray that you would be blessed by Him whose name is above all names.

(Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is assistant professor of philosophy at Providence College, Otterburne, Manitoba. The views in this column do not always reflect the views of Providence.)