Attempts at humour

APOLOGIA

By Hendrik van der Breggen

The Carillon, May 28, 2015

Attempts at humour

"A cheerful heart is good medicine." Proverbs 17:2.

Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul be blessed with the following attempts at humour. Note/ confession: some of what follows are my own creations, but many are plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed.

René Descartes (the philosopher famous for "I think therefore I am"; Latin cogito ergo sum) walks into a bar and drinks a beer. The bartender asks, "Are you going to have another beer?" Descartes answers "I don't think I am" and—poof!—Descartes disappears.

A young philosopher sold his treasured pony to continue his studies, thus showing that he did indeed put Descartes before the horse.

What did the potato say? I think therefore I yam (cogito ergo spud).

What would Captain Highliner study if he were a philosopher? Metaphyshsticks.

What would Captain Highliner's great insight be if he were a philosopher? Codgito ergo filet-o-fish.

(The following joke is intended to humble those arrogant know-it-alls who presume to have god-like knowledge; no offense is intended to those suffering from mental illness.) A man is in an insane asylum, standing at attention, with his hand slipped into his shirt at his chest. A doctor takes notice and asks, "Who do you think you are?" The man with the hand in his shirt looks annoyed and replies, "Napoleon, that's who I am!" At this the doctor asks, "Why do you think this?" The man with the hand in his shirt replies, "God told me!" At this point another man from across the room shouts, "I did not!"

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? He stays awake all night wondering about the existence of dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

A dyslexic walks into a bra…. (Badum-tish!)

What is Sacramento? It's the stuffing in a Catholic olive.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A sternly worded letter from the Research Ethics Committee.

The problem with German food is that a half hour after you eat, you're hungry for power. The problem with Canadian food is that a half hour after you eat, you want to apologize for telling the joke about the German food.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a Café. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a coffee, no cream please." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry we are out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?"

Customer in a restaurant: "How do you prepare your chickens?" Cook: "Nothing out of the ordinary, we just tell them they're going to die."

What do you call a carpenter who only works with one kind of wood? Mahoganous 

What do you call a soldier who wears multiple bullet-proof vests? A polyarmourist.

What do you call a man from Utah who has multiple firearms? A polygunist.

Shelfish (adjective): persistent longing for more bookshelves; shelf-centered; hazard for readers in general and for academics in particular.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

What do philosophers add to bath water? Epsomology salt.

Question for a toddler: peepee or poopoo? Answer: when the exclusive "or" is used (i.e., "or" means one or the other but not both), this is a false diaperchotomy.

Last night I wondered if I am Jason Bourne and have forgotten that I'm Jason Bourne. And why is this movie about me?

When I was a baby I thought I heard God say, "You will become a comedian." Turns out I misheard. He actually said "Canadian."

Have a happy day, eh!

(Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is associate professor of philosophy at Providence University College. The views in this column do not always reflect the views of Providence.)

For further reading: 

• Ted Cohen, Jokes: Philosophical Thoughts on Joking Matters (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1999).
• Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein, Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes (New York: Abrams Image, 2007).