By Hendrik van der Breggen
The Carillon, January 4, 2018
Attempts at humour
“A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Proverbs 17:2.
Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul will be blessed with the following attempts at humour. (Note/ confession: much of what follows is my own creation, but much is also plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed.)
I started going back to the gym to get into shape for the summer. Looks like it'll be summer of 2025.
The Apostle Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh. I have a couple, but when I laugh mine jiggle. (#Gym Humour)
Medical-philosophical news: Breakthrough medical procedure detects philosophical polyps in patients inclined to seek ideological control over other nations; tentatively called Colonialoscopy.
Related news: Harvard University, through a joint effort of its school of medicine and social science department, is offering a new major. But they can't decide what to call it: polypsical science or polypsychology.
What do you call a failed U.S. presidential nominee who pushes democratic socialism and likes chicken? Colonial Sanders.
Some people say I have a short attention span, but they
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Solipstick: metaphysics by Mabelline; cosmetological underpinning of puckered-lip selfies.
Sadly, sometimes I contradict myself. Happily, when I do, I don't.
Othering others others others, including those accused of othering.
They're quite puzzling (sometimes even frustrating) without context.
Wife said she thinks I'm sometimes too combative. I fought tooth and nail to correct her.
Son: I'm going to roast Brazilian coffee beans. Wife: That'll take a long time.
Sidewalk sign (at local beauty salon/ barber shop): “Men's cut and beer $26.” Me (thinking): Only if you like a head full of hair.
Experience at new bathroom in mall: Dried my hands, but lost my hearing. (#Hand Dryers By Boeing)
Entry in my diary (during our recent cold snap): wWwennnnnnnnnnttt fffffffffffffforr a walkkk ](-+ outsssside.. mY fffingggerss R fffrozzn.
For chemists alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution (or solvent/ functional group: i.e., it works for them).
“A few days ago a very gorgeous but not so intelligent woman said that we should 'affirm people regardless of what they think their identity is.' So I told her I was her husband.”
A dentist tells a blonde that she needs braces. The blonde says, “Why? I can walk just fine.” When the dentist explains that braces are for her teeth, she replies, “But my teeth don't walk.”
Donald Trump walks into a Parisian cafe and says, “I'll have a covfefe, no cream.” The waitress says, “Sorry, we've only got milk. How about a covfefe with no milk?” (#Sometimes Jokes Are Funnier Before You Write Them Down)
Mexican spokesperson referring to Trump's wall: “At first we were sad, but we'll get over it.”
Communism: Always an execution away from utopia.
Pravda announced that it welcomes letters to the editor. All correspondents are required to include their full name, address, and next of kin.
Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
Of course communism doesn't work. There are red flags everywhere.
Some communist jokes lack class. (But they're funny when I'm marxing papers.)
Dear readers: I will be watching you. Sincerely, heNdriKVanDerbreggen.
New Testament scholars discover Mary's personal journal (in which she describes her Son's help with daily chores). Shortest entry: “Jesus swept.” (#Sometimes I Make Fake News)
I am a philosopher. One of my heroes is Socrates. Another hero is Jesus. I think my earthly future doesn't look bright.
When my friends learn I am a student of comedy, they tell me never to quit school. (#No Respect)
Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is associate professor of philosophy at Providence University College. (When Hendrik was in his mother's womb, he thought he heard an angel say, “You will be a comedian.” Turns out Hendrik misheard. The angel actually said, “You will be a Canadian.” #Badum Tish)
Past attempts at humour: