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| Sometimes art is so abstract, it's concrete (Photo credit: Hendrik van der Breggen) |
By
Hendrik van der Breggen
The Carillon, July 12, 2018
(More) Attempts at
Humour
“A
cheerful heart is good medicine.” Proverbs 17:2.
Laughter
is good for the soul. I hope your soul will be blessed with the following
attempts at humour.
Note/
confession: much of what follows is my own creation, but much is also
plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed from others, including my Facebook (FB) friends.
1.
Question: What do you call someone from Utah who owns more than one rifle? Answer:
Polygunist.
2.
What do you call someone who on multiple occasions avoids his work? Polycrastinor.
3.
What do you call someone who is married (concurrently) to more than one doctor
who specializes in women's health? PolyOB/GYNist.
Comment
from FB friend: Ouch. I OBject to that one—OBSTreperously.
Comment
from FB friend: Oh wow—the worst of the three by far!
Comment
from FB friend: You have too much free time on your hands Hendrik!
4.
What do you call a person who tells more than one “poly” joke? Polyhumorist.
Comment
from FB friend (who is also my son Tom): Me: Currently Googling “how to delete
someone else’s Facebook posts.”
Comment
from FB friend (who is also my daughter-in-law Brittney): GIF of Michael Scott
saying, “Why are you the way that you are?”
Comment
from (another) FB friend: Polly want no more cracks (like that one).
Comment
from FB friend: STAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!!!
Comment
from FB friend: BLOCKED.
5.
What do you call the activity of a bunch of elected officials arguing about how
big a bite to take out of your wallet? Answer: Polyticks.
6.
What do you call a soldier or police officer who wears more than one bullet
proof vest? Polyarmorist.
Comment
from FB friend: No Mรกs!!
Comment
from FB friend: I see you've made it to the P section of the dictionary!
7.
What shape is your parrot if he's lost? Polygon.
8.
What word describes the state of affairs in which one person has exclusive
control of the supply of “poly” jokes? Monopoly.
9.
What do you call an abnormal growth of tissue projecting from a mucous
membrane?
A
polyp. (Sometimes a joke is funnier before I write it down.)
10.
What do you call someone who's fed up with “poly” jokes? Polysaturated.
Okay,
okay. Enough “poly” jokes. Here are some “oxy” jokes.
11.
Question: What do you call someone who is strong like a bull but really, really
stupid? Answer: Oxymoron.
12.
What do you call a drug-addicted rabbit? Oxycottontail.
13.
What do you call someone who is a purveyor of (as well as addicted to) fake
news, a.k.a. Bull S#*t? Oxyincontinent.
Okay,
okay, enough “oxy” jokes. Here are some miscellaneous jokes.
14.
I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.
15.
Some people tell me I'm getting cranky as I get older. Bunch of idiots.
16.
As I get older, when I write I tend leave out little words.
17.
FB meme (appropriate here if you struggle with #16): I have neither the time
nor the crayons to explain it to you.
18.
My mother-in-law Helga is visiting with us. She doesn't know this, but sometimes
when I say her name I double the "L".
Response
to above joke from my daughter-in-law Brittney: Well Poppa, sometimes when I
say your name I drop the “r”.
19.
News: Scientists have converted fat cells into stem cells that can repair any
damaged tissues. My revised retirement plan: Hendrik's One-stop Greasy Burgers
and Liposuction Services.
20.
I enjoy smoking pipes, but I also enjoy watching them being built. Lately I've
been interested in corncob pipes. I may have a problem with cornography.
21.
There's a danger associated with smoking restored pipes while listening to the
soundtrack of Interstellar. Sometimes when I'm looking for a book, I look way
too long at my bookshelves.
22.
If smoking is so unhealthy, why does it cure salmon?
23.
“Live like there's no tomorrow.” Yeah, tried that. Visa bill was huge.
24.
Comment from my son Brahm (after I read this column out loud to my family):
You're not publishing this, are you?
Previous
attempts at humour:
- Attempts at humour, January 4, 2018
- Attempts at humour, May 28, 2015
- Thinking about names, December 31, 2009
Hendrik van der Breggen,
PhD, is Associate Professor of Philosophy at Providence University College. When
Hendrik was in his mother's womb, he thought he heard an angel say, “You will
be a comedian.” Turns out Hendrik misheard. The angel actually said, “You will
be a Canadian.” (#BadumTish)
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