- Attempts at humour, January 4, 2018
- Attempts at humour, May 28, 2015
- Thinking about names, December 31, 2009
July 12, 2018
(More) Attempts at Humour
By Hendrik van der Breggen
The Carillon, July 12, 2018
(More) Attempts at Humour
“A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Proverbs 17:2.
Laughter is good for the soul. I hope your soul will be blessed with the following attempts at humour.
Note/ confession: much of what follows is my own creation, but much is also plagiarized, uh, I mean, borrowed from others, including my Facebook (FB) friends.
1. Question: What do you call someone from Utah who owns more than one rifle? Answer: Polygunist.
2. What do you call someone who on multiple occasions avoids his work? Polycrastinor.
3. What do you call someone who is married (concurrently) to more than one doctor who specializes in women's health? PolyOB/GYNist.
Comment from FB friend: Ouch. I OBject to that one—OBSTreperously.
Comment from FB friend: Oh wow—the worst of the three by far!
Comment from FB friend: You have too much free time on your hands Hendrik!
4. What do you call a person who tells more than one “poly” joke? Polyhumorist.
Comment from FB friend (who is also my son Tom): Me: Currently Googling “how to delete someone else’s Facebook posts.”
Comment from FB friend (who is also my daughter-in-law Brittney): GIF of Michael Scott saying, “Why are you the way that you are?”
Comment from (another) FB friend: Polly want no more cracks (like that one).
Comment from FB friend: STAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!!!
Comment from FB friend: BLOCKED.
5. What do you call the activity of a bunch of elected officials arguing about how big a bite to take out of your wallet? Answer: Polyticks.
6. What do you call a soldier or police officer who wears more than one bullet proof vest? Polyarmorist.
Comment from FB friend: No Más!!
Comment from FB friend: I see you've made it to the P section of the dictionary!
7. What shape is your parrot if he's lost? Polygon.
8. What word describes the state of affairs in which one person has exclusive control of the supply of “poly” jokes? Monopoly.
9. What do you call an abnormal growth of tissue projecting from a mucous membrane?
A polyp. (Sometimes a joke is funnier before I write it down.)
10. What do you call someone who's fed up with “poly” jokes? Polysaturated.
Okay, okay. Enough “poly” jokes. Here are some “oxy” jokes.
11. Question: What do you call someone who is strong like a bull but really, really stupid? Answer: Oxymoron.
12. What do you call a drug-addicted rabbit? Oxycottontail.
13. What do you call someone who is a purveyor of (as well as addicted to) fake news, a.k.a. Bull S#*t? Oxyincontinent.
Okay, okay, enough “oxy” jokes. Here are some miscellaneous jokes.
14. I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.
15. Some people tell me I'm getting cranky as I get older. Bunch of idiots.
16. As I get older, when I write I tend leave out little words.
17. FB meme (appropriate here if you struggle with #16): I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
18. My mother-in-law Helga is visiting with us. She doesn't know this, but sometimes when I say her name I double the "L".
Response to above joke from my daughter-in-law Brittney: Well Poppa, sometimes when I say your name I drop the “r”.
19. News: Scientists have converted fat cells into stem cells that can repair any damaged tissues. My revised retirement plan: Hendrik's One-stop Greasy Burgers and Liposuction Services.
20. I enjoy smoking pipes, but I also enjoy watching them being built. Lately I've been interested in corncob pipes. I may have a problem with cornography.
21. There's a danger associated with smoking restored pipes while listening to the soundtrack of Interstellar. Sometimes when I'm looking for a book, I look way too long at my bookshelves.
22. If smoking is so unhealthy, why does it cure salmon?
23. “Live like there's no tomorrow.” Yeah, tried that. Visa bill was huge.
24. Comment from my son Brahm (after I read this column out loud to my family): You're not publishing this, are you?
Previous attempts at humour:
Hendrik van der Breggen, PhD, is Associate Professor of Philosophy at Providence University College. When Hendrik was in his mother's womb, he thought he heard an angel say, “You will be a comedian.” Turns out Hendrik misheard. The angel actually said, “You will be a Canadian.” (#BadumTish)